Awareness

October 24, 2018

Home Again

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It’s been a year since the last time I was here. I miss the feeling. I miss showing that other side of me.

I’ve been away following a dream, trying to make things as best as I could. That’s why I miss this place, this place where I’m not afraid to fail or fall.

I may not have gone to a faraway place, but I feel I’ve been to the deepest core of every human existence. This may sound weird, but yes, for more than a year, I’ve exposed myself to the ideas of what makes us who we are, why we do what we do.

Of course, I don’t have all the answers to all my questions because I feel I have only touched the tip of my beingness. But it’s enough to make me understand more of myself and more of others.

How liberating it is to allow others to lead us to take a peek of their perspective, of how they see things much differently from us. The greatest lesson I learn is, there’s no us versus them, there’s only we.

I thought I would stay there for long, but after learning some of the necessary lessons, I have to move on to another path. It’s what I feel I’m called to do. I also learned, discovering our passion can’t always be done in one step. We need to follow a series of steps before we’re finally ready to do that mission we’re called to do.

For this, I’m allowing the waters to take away what no longer serves me and to prepare me with a refreshed mind for the journey up ahead.

Ahhhh. So, refreshing… And so glad to be home again.

October 18, 2017

Weekly Photo Challenge: Scale

Perspective. It’s what makes us see things differently. At times, I see myself above things, feeling bigger and more powerful. But at times, too, I see myself as small as a speck of sand, powerless and insignificant.

It’s funny how I attach myself to these different perspectives as if they were my truth when in fact both are part of the bigger picture of life. It is how things are when we make ourselves object that must fit perfectly into the picture.

But when we choose to be the one who observes, we see right where to put ourselves. And when circumstances put us either above or below, any emotions that come with these different levels have nothing to do with who we are. Because we know full well that everything is just a matter of perspective.

pwnezel

Weekly Photo Challenge

 

July 11, 2017

True Grit of A Seeker

true grit of a seeker

I just found out freedom means a lot of things. It’s not really a liberation from some sort of things, rather it’s another way of living a life with different sets of struggles.

When I was still in the corporate world, I thought freedom means being out of some sleeping people’s authority, free to be myself, free to do what I love to do.

However, when I already have in my hands the things that I consider could bring me liberation, I realized I am facing another set of challenges. Some of which are the following:

1. People do not appreciate your freedom because they’re conditioned to live as slaves.

People are so conditioned to live a pre-designed life that when you don’t fit in a cookie cutter they’ll think you’re absurd. It’s hard for them to understand why you do what you do because in the first place they don’t know why they do what they do.

2. When you take on the Seeker’s journey, only a very few could resonate.

People fight for a pre-designed path that when someone says this is the right way, most will answer without batting eyelashes: Yeah, it’s the right way!

They forget that they have to forge their own path in order to know why they’re here in this world in the first place.

3. Shredding title off yourself means people will not like you for being ordinary.

People are crazy for titles. I don’t blame those who have and deserving for titles without identifying their ego with it.

Shredding myself off a title gives me the freedom to be who I am and not being identified as something that does not make me who I really am. It feels so wonderful to be a ‘nothing’!

4. Preparing to go against conventional wisdom and be criticized for it.

Done playing the validity’s game. Actually, I love to comment on posts, especially now that I am on a genuine soul’s journey. When I see something that’s not quite right like a thwarted belief, I share my opinion on the matter, not to make the other person appear wrong, but to make them see something that’s nearer to the truth if they’re just open enough for it.

It’s okay to be hated than to carry on with regrets for not sharing what was bestowed on me. If I’m the one who is wrong, that’s a great opportunity for learning. Besides, life is not best lived by how many times I was right, it’s how I learned from being wrong!

5. Embracing the life of the lone wolf.

When others learned that I’m just staying at home, they’re raising their eyebrows. Because for most of them aloneness kills. They forget that while it kills them, it might invigorate others.

I have to embrace who I am because that is just what I am. I am different, so are other people. The difference lies in the fact that only a few choose to live the life they want, and most live their life in accordance to the number of likes they receive in their social media accounts. I know, this is ouch! But it’s a hard reality.

5. Trusting God, or the Universe of what’s to come.

One reason why people try hard to get ahead of life is the feelings of security. Yes, we need to consider our physical body’s survival and those of our loved ones, yet it’s only one-half of the equation. Who knows what’s to come? No one. Who gives what we need? God, Higher power. Why fret?

6. Accepting and embracing people for what they are.

This is my struggle too. It doesn’t mean that because I am finding my way, I am right and others are wrong. They’re just living their life according to how they see fit.

Bringing them to the brighter side of life, to what really MATTERS is the greatest challenge on the seeker’s journey, but one we must do because it’s what we’re called to do.

While on earth, there’s no actual freedom. We can only continue to hold on to our greatest Source to lighten our path and makes the journey a little lighter for our self and others.

pwnezel

 

Daily Prompt

April 23, 2017

Be Present

Be present

Some days are gloomy, others sunny. Figuratively. But be not carried away by life’s changing seasons and ebbs. They do not matter much. What matters much is your every breath, your every smile, your every tear in each of the seasons.

You’re designed to live a life so full. Universe does not say a full life is one free of pain or sorrow. To live fully is to be present whatever season your life is in. Your life’s seasons is not dependent on your environment. It’s dependent on where you are in your state of life. Whether you are in spring where your life is just budding; in summer where your days are longer and you think only of relaxation and fun; in fall where you’ve matured much and let go of excess baggage in your life; in winter where everything around is cold, like people and relationships, and all you want to do is embrace yourself tight and stay indoors than be outdoors.

Being present in all these seasons with all that you are makes the journey easier, lighter, and real. Be done with illusions. Throw away expectations. Be an avid fan of life. Be bold. Be brave. Be you. Live.

pwnezel

Daily Prompt: avid

March 22, 2017

A Thought on Acceptance

on acceptance

Seasons come, seasons go. Just like the events in our lives. There are some which we dread to come, and some which we hope would arrive but did not.

We may feel cold on a summer day or feel hot on winter days. But things happen according to their purpose. At times too, things which are not designed to happen, happen because of our own doing. Or, should I say, due to our incompetence and inconsistencies in our judgment. Whether we like it or not, we got to accept it for we could not fight that which already took place.

It might not be that easy to move on, but we are left with only the choice of calling it a day and do better the next time the same opportunity comes (if there is any).

pwnezel

Daily Prompt

February 28, 2017

Be Mindful of Your Thoughts

be mindful of your thoughts“Know thyself,” Socrates said. When I was in college, this is one of my class report in philosophy. At that time internet had not yet been heard of in our city. Thus our references are based solely on textbooks from the university library.

“Know thyself” was then for me an academic thing, part of the subject matter that I have to learn. It seems inapplicable to daily living. Or, if it can, only in matters when my personality is in question. I have to defend myself by saying, I know myself far better than others do.

Fast forward to today when everybody has an internet access, these words are a common thing. Even made simpler by others who have gone through with it and were able to apply the practice in their daily lives.

Blessed be those people. I find it difficult to apply it in myself. All because knowing thyself is being mindful of everything we do and every thought we think. This is mindful living. If it would be easier, most of us would have been happier by now. There would be less pain, less hatred and fewer conflicts within and without of us. But truth is, the number of unawakened people is great compared with the awakened ones. Why is it?

Perhaps people have only certain knowledge of themselves but are unable to understand their very selves and the reasons why they do what they do. Still, we need to know our self in the most authentic way as possible. We must be mindful of our thoughts every second if we could. Moreover, we must be mindful of how we relate to others. The way we handle our self reflects the way we handle others.

As the wise gurus have said, everything starts in the mind. It wouldn’t hurt if by the end of the day before we put our self into slumber, we will give time to reflect on what thoughts have occurred in our mind. If it falls short of our expectations, there is still another day. If it does, then let’s give our self a pat on the back and say, til next time.

pwnezel

Daily Prompt

 

 

January 22, 2017

The Path to Success

The Path to Success

Where does success end?

We all strive for success in all our undertakings. Just like my current state, I am ending my twelve-year corporate job to chase my full-time writing dream. Should I fulfill such dream, I could say I am successful.

But is that the end of it? They say some good things never lasts. Does this mean if I attain success in my undertakings, it would never last? Perhaps success is definitely not the end purpose. It is something that we become along the journey. It is our learnings, keeping our feet on the ground and being shaped into the kind of person we supposedly become.

So if we fail to become what we thought we ought to become, it signifies no failure. It means we got the message wrong. We then have to move on and find the right path for us.

And if in my case I get it all wrong, at least I know one more thing that is not for me. The best thing for me to do is to call on my God for the right direction to follow. In Him I know, I would never go wrong. The road may not be smooth, but surely the rewards are great as long as I never get lost all along.

May you too, would find your path to success.

pwnezel

January 8, 2017

The Newest and Most Amazing Addition to My Core Memory

The Newest and Most Amazing Addition to My Core Memory

Get-together

Float. A word that when heard gives you a feeling of lightness and positive vibes. As a matter of fact, I had a wonderful experience with this one just last December.

As our company’s custom, we were to have our company’s annual gathering a day prior to our Christmas party. For this year’s activities, we had a recollection in the morning and the evaluation of each branch’s performance in the afternoon.

Honestly, I never had the vaguest idea how the recollection would affect me. I thought it would be the same experience we had just like the previous years: listen to what the priest had to share, laugh at his jokes, and plainly follow where he might lead us.

However, this one was far different. I could not explain if my experience of the night before had something to do with it, or it was just a simple coincidence.

Restless

I was unable to sleep the night before. It may be because I was in a different room with four other people or maybe it was due to a feeling of overwhelm as the long preparation for our presentation contest had just been over. Yep, we just danced earlier.

Anyway, yes I was unable to sleep, so restless. I felt a tinge of emptiness inside of me. I longed for silence. Inner silence. The kind of silence where I would not hear the noise from the air-conditioning or the snoring of my roommates. Specifically, I sought God. I missed God. I wanted to talk to Him verbally. I wanted to go outside, but afraid of being misinterpreted for staying out alone in the middle of the night. I felt so helpless.

Thankfully, I fell into a deep slumber after I started calling out Jesus’s name. That was the last thing I remembered upon waking up three hours later.

Recollection

So then when we were inside the conference hall my eyelids were so heavy. The raindrops perfectly added to the sleepiness that I felt. The priest arrived. A not-so-interesting looking guy. Tall. A bit slim. Looked intelligent.

Father Ram was gentle but firm. He ordered us (not requested) to go to the comfort room or do anything that makes us comfortable for five minutes before he would begin because he does not want anyone to be roaming around when he begins.

He was direct to the point. And I loved it. I was surprised when he said he wanted us to meet God not because we were told, but meet God for the sake of meeting Him. Cool. I thought, “ah, meditation.” Just like what I used to do.

I began to get worried when Father Ram told us to close our eyes. I was afraid I might fall asleep. That would be embarrassing. His technique was guided meditation with the help of background instrumental music.

With eyes closed, I struggled to stay awake. Father Ram’s voice echoed. Gentle. Comforting. He brought us to a place we longed for. The most beautiful place we could think of. Any place where we each finds comfort. I told myself, “ah, my paradise.” I began to scroll through my memory the image of my paradise. Because I was so sleepy, I only had fragments of it. The rainbow’s colors were not vibrant. The waterfalls were foggy. The grass on my feet was not so soft. Still, I managed to stay there.

Reunited

I thought that would be the end of it. But I was caught by surprise when Father Ram urged us to welcome Jesus walking slowly towards us. The image of Him walking towards me was disturbing. My tears just fell unwantedly, when we were guided to gaze closely at his blue eyes. His loving gaze penetrated deeply into my whole being; my every bone, my tiniest cell, the darkest corners of my soul. I tried to control those tears because I did not want anybody noticed me crying. But in the silence of the room sobs began to be heard. I felt relieved for that knowledge.

So I continued to focus at the moment, at the blue eyes that gazed lovingly into my sinful soul. I felt so lost in the sea of my emotions. I let go. I could not believe that the night before I longed for Him. And a few hours later, here He was looking into my eyes, loving me, hugging me. It was so good to have Him with me once again.

A light seemed to surround me. At that moment it was only me and Jesus. His embrace melted into my flesh. I felt so light all over. I seemed to float. I wanted to spread my arms and fly. I felt like flying. I was on cloud nine, ten, eleven. Words are too weak to describe the beauty of that moment. It was just so wow!

Reality

Father Ram’s voice brought me back into reality when he told us to offer to Jesus all our pains and troubles. As to this part, I was not so dramatic. For I know, troubles are always there for our growth and learning. The only difference is: when we call on God to carry the burdens with us, life is bearable. If not, it would be a misery.

I felt Jesus telling me that He is just there no matter what. He is always there. I need only to call on Him and listen to the silence in my heart where He speaks. That was all I need.

Re-energized

When we were brought back to reality, I felt very much energized. The feeling of sleepiness was gone. I felt so fresh, so whole, so complete—the feelings I least expected.

It was years gone by when I last had my recollection. And I am so thankful for having this one at the end of the year. Until now the positive vibes I have had still lingers. With this experience fresh in my memory bucket, I know a wonderful year is waiting for me.

May your year started this beautiful too. Have a blessed day!

pwnezel

Float

Specific

Infinite

 

 

 

 

 

November 28, 2016

Pungent No More

pungent no more

“Such a pungent smelling past!”

That line above was what I used to hear from non-working housewives from our previous neighborhood. When the children were at school and the husbands were at work, these wives gathered themselves in someone’s backyard. Their topics ranged from the imperfections of the husbands to the challenges of family life, to misbehaved children, and mostly about the rumors around town. Since we have a conservative culture, anyone who fails in his or her life would be ridiculed, if not openly insulted or criticized.

This kind of practice should not have been acknowledged, yet has become a normal part of our daily grind. Thus, it goes around that one should not commit any mistakes, or else he or she may suffer from some kind of emotional crucifixion.

Because I was a good daughter, I was often appreciated and looked up to.

However, it came to pass that I faltered in my steps too. I was carried away by my humanness. My greatest admirers then turned to be my worst critics. Nothing I could do than face the consequences of my actions.

Yesterday, as I rummaged through my old notes and journals, I happened to read my writings about such experience: The pains, the aloneness, the embarrassment and the feeling of worthlessness. To my surprise, the words in those notes no longer managed to creep into my heart. In short, I was no longer affected. Which means, I have been healed from such unwanted past. I then smiled at it and put those notes in the wastebasket. I no longer need them, for it no longer defines who I am in the present moment.

I am so happy to be free at last and found peace with my past. The pungent smelling past no longer has power over me.

And, if not busy housewives still define me according to my past, it no longer matters. What matters is, I define who I am by who I know myself to be in the present moment.

purposivewriter - nezel yurong

Pungent