I Know Life is Beautiful, But…

Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful. But, I don’t know why. I’m sure it is. It’s beautiful way, way beyond what I feel, or think, or see. Only that I couldn’t point out why it is so. I couldn’t explain further.

Have you had any experience like this? You’re given a beautiful idea but you’re not given anything to back it up. Well, let me be bold enough to let it be. In the art of writing, I guess, we don’t have to digest everything. We only have to express something that’s boiling inside to get out. This is an example of it in its rawness. And simplicity. No complications.

I might sound inconsistent but I allow inconsistency to happen through me. At least I know, I am consistent in my inconsistencies. Let’s start a revolution of expression. Let’s just BE

Daily Prompt: Opaque

I Am But Human

I am but human.
It seems like a new year again. After Easter. I’ve been away for a few days. I didn’t mean to. I did have the time. It’s not writer’s block either. Many ideas kept boggling in my head. There’s one thing that prevented me from sitting down and expressing my thoughts. It’s that I couldn’t compose myself.
 
I seem to be experiencing my own crucifixion too. Yes, things weren’t perfect around. Perhaps, I was a little carried away by how things went. Or, I could be making mountains out of a molehill. I don’t know. This is one situation in life where I dread the most—when I don’t know what’s happening within. I hate to lost my stability. 
 
It is but human conditioning to stand on safer grounds—to be in control of everything going on in our life. If not, we are deemed lost or a little bit broken. We don’t like that. I don’t like that. I don’t like to be like a prey of something bigger than me. I don’t like to be fighting with a monster I couldn’t figure out what.
 
At some point, I yielded to the idea that it may be depression lurking within the confines of my head. Why? I haven’t yet arrived at the place where I want to be in a specified time. A monster within prevented me. Sometimes it helps to allow things to happen its way and just flow with the ebb of time. Yet, a voice within says: Hey! You should be doing this. You should be doing that.
 
Sometimes I recognize it to be my voice. Sometimes it’s a stranger’s. At times, I thought I wasn’t thinking right. Maybe, I’d go insane? This is what puzzled me most about life. When the universe wants to tell you the way you should go, it doesn’t give you one option. It gives two. It’s always either up or down; sanity or insanity; enlightenment or foolishness. The mere act of choosing is so difficult I needed to pour out my vulnerability with someone. So glad my husband’s there for me. Willing to hold my hand even if he could not quite comprehend what’s going on my insides. This might be what husbands are made for too.
 
So, I was crucified on Good Friday. I took up my cross and marched to some kind of death. I know, what I’ve been through was nothing compared to what Jesus, or others had been through. But it helps a little to say: I, too, have my own cross. Those who took up their crosses and never uttered a word were unicorns, while I am but human.
 
Now, Easter has come. A resurrection for those who believed. I am a lot better. Not because things are getting clearer. In fact, it’s still murky. But I have this one realization: it’s okay to feel not okay. It’s okay to be in a maze. It’s okay to stand on unstable grounds.
 
What drove the nail deep within my flesh was the thought of sharing only with you the things that are beautiful. This thought prevented me from writing for days. I said I could not be expressing my vulnerabilities here. The world doesn’t need it. I could have researched for some more positive things to share. I could have echoed the positive message of the great gurus and wise men out there.
 
Only that I don’t want to lie. I’ve lived a life full of lies over a decade. I recently turned away from that path because I choose to walk my talk. Now that I’m here, I’ve got to make the most of it.
 
Our vulnerabilities are beautiful too. Our humanness is perfect in its imperfection. What drives us crazier is the fear of feeling weak and walking on the path of the unknown. We could not shun away from the imperfections in our life and favor only the “perfect” events. We are humans. We fail. And we are still beautiful in our failures. It’s not something ugly. It’s something we have to go through. It’s part of the process of our becoming.
 
My other realization is that I am just human. Meaning, I need to face the fact that Someone out there is greater than me. And it’s in my weaknesses that I could say: Okay, I’m done. Please take over.
I am but human. I didn’t come here because I choose to. I come here out of love. And out of love, I could say: I accept and love myself wherever I am standing. I’m sure, the One who brought me here would never allow me to just fade like an unsung song.
Since it’s resurrection, I could start seeing life with fresh new eyes. Match with a belief that things are always beautiful despite the truth that I am but human.
Happy Easter!
pwnezel

A Better Perspective

A Better Perspective

We see things not as they are, but as where we are.

When I quit my job January of this year, I felt I was being done an injustice. And many sympathized with how I felt. According to our labor laws when an employee voluntarily resigns from his/her job, the employer is not obliged to give him/her a separation pay other than when it is already the custom of the company.

In my case, those who resigned before me in the same company were given a separation pay. Thus, I presumed I would also receive the same. Unfortunately, I received none other than what was solely required by law.

Most of my co-employees encouraged me to bring the matter to the labor authority. They believed which I also believed that my previous employer’s reason was personal. I ruminate this thought for quite a while, since I know if I would do so it would require much effort, time and ultimately, emotions.

However, after a month of hibernation and soul searching I was lucky enough to see things in a different perspective. You know, the high that you get when at times you are able to meditate while doing the mundane. And when you look at things a little farther you catch a glimpse of the bigger picture. The catch was I realized there was never an injustice done unto me. It is just that other people failed to grab the opportunity of sharing themselves with others and seeing the values of the people around them. They believed that people would be robbed of their personhood when they are not given what is due to them. Because I now know better, I simply see this kind of judgment by others as an inconsistency on their part. It is that part of themselves that they have to work with. And no one is able to help them in that process other than themselves.

My spirit is now at peace. I move on with a lighter heart and a warm smile. It is my firm belief that what people denied me God would provide.

Honestly, we could not force people to do what they hate to do. If we could not change others, we could change ourselves instead. Thankfully, I have changed a little bit since then. And this journey just starts to get exciting!

purposivewriter - nezel yurong

Daily Prompt

 

He Paid Me a Treasure

He pays me small, my heart says treasure!

Good morning! I miss you guys. Thank you for still giving me the space in your reader feed.

So, what do I have for you today? They say an introverted person seldom opens up himself or herself with others. I will open up to you anyway since I know most of you have wide minds and warm hearts.

Here I am again sharing a bit of my stupidity. I just discovered the path to the unknown is laden with stupid moves and thoughtless acts. Yeah, I am one of those stupid species. I am not ashamed to admit that because…. well, it’s the truth.

My story starts the day I got interviewed for a writing gig by one potential client. Due to overwhelm, everything he asks of me to do I answered yes. He then gave me the job description, requirements,  and the deadline. During the interview, I was already doubtful whether I could deliver the project on the agreed deadline. To think I have only less than six hours to deliver two articles with a word count of 1,500 words each. To top it all, on topics I did not know about. And it’s my first writing gig in that job site. Experience does matter a lot.

Mustering all my strength to have that “I can” attitude, I assured him I would be able to do it. With some more few agreements, the interview ended.

True to my word, I beat the deadline. But I was not peaceful in my sleep because I felt less confident of my work. I was too tired to do one hundred percent editing.

The next day, my intuition told me it was correct. My client requested me to rewrite my articles because it was a real mess. I asked for an apology and rewrote the whole thing. However, deep inside of me I was already on the verge of giving up. I just found out writing 3,000 words on topics I have no idea about was beyond my capacity at the moment. The research did not even help.

After I delivered the project, I asked for a feedback with ninety percent expectations that I may not be hired. Even if he’d hire me, I was already too weak to do a thing. Anxiety, overwhelm and fatigue took its toll on me. Besides, the project is more than I can handle. I also told him I was willing to end the contract should I not be hired, that the funds be returned back to him.

And yes, I was not hired. My work failed to pass the project requirements. But you know what? That was one of the happiest days in my whole life!

Why? Because that was one of the very few times wherein someone gave me a constructive criticism regarding my work without making me feel guilty of what I had done. I was so blessed to meet that potential client with a big heart. His act was kind of a breather for my life at the moment.

As you can see, I had been in a financing company for more than a decade. When I started working there, the company just rented a small office space where water drips from the roof every time it rains. I witnessed and even helped the company grow in my own small way. Years later the company had its own two-story building with spaces for rental. Not only in one place but in many places its many buildings stood up. It could be a success story for them.

But for me, it was not. For all the days I was there, I never received a pat on the back. My responsibilities include a sensitive one. I handle the financial transactions of the branch. I always receive and count money that does not belong to me. Allow me to raise my chair here, I did my job well and resisted temptations no matter how tough life gets. Others failed where I excelled. But management overlooked that. They failed to see my efforts and my contribution. Criticism was given, sadly, in a destructive way.

I quit of course. But too late. I was already a broken person inside, seeking to heal.

Thus, the encounter with that client gave me something money can’t buy. It gave me RESPECT for myself. I felt respected for the longest time ever! Yes, I receive respect often. But considering the time and trust a person gave me and failing to do what was expected—that was something awesome of him. Moreover, he considers my effort and pays me a considerable amount for that. But for me, that was the biggest pay I ever received for a work I have ever given.

Respect is very important to a person. It can either make or break someone. Until now my heart is still rejoicing. I know obstacles are still scattered on my way. But this one is a nice retreat to return to when the going gets tough. I am encouraged to do more and be more. Nice people still exist. It’s my fervent prayer to meet some more.

pwnezel

Daily Prompt

 

 

Making Most of the Gap from a Nobody to Somebody

The transition phase

Making the most of the gap from a nobody to somebody

So how was I after two weeks in the unemployment barracks? Well, I felt good, a bit apprehensive but more excited for the new path I am taking.

There are three reasons why people walk away: burn-out, unproductive environment and seeking for something that gives more meaning and purpose to life. I have all those three. For those I have left, my reasons would be unsettling. But life must be lived the way it is meant to be.

Letting go

Within the two weeks of soul searching, I discovered I need to let go of some things before I could successfully embark on a new journey. I need to shake off the dust from my feet. As I have shared here, for reasons unclear to me, my employer does not like me that much. No matter how much hard work I contribute to the workplace, still she makes me feel as if I were a liability to the company. The insults I received from her left a deep wound in my being. It is not only me, actually. She hates some of her employees and loves some. Internal politics, yes. But it hurts. And affects self-esteem as well.

Should I stay within the confines of the wound and feelings of worthlessness? Nah! Of course, not. Life is too precious to spend on those emotions. No matter how much we learned that dislike of the person and failing to come up with standards are no way to debase someone, it still happens. Sometimes for reasons that are beyond our control.

Healing part

But then again, healing has to happen. If I just have a magic wand, I would have swayed it in the air and wham! I’m alright. Yet, nature has its own rules of making things happen. I have to go through the process of forgiveness. I need to go through the process of making my inner child remember once again that the way people look at me or think of me has no connection of who I am. I may not be a great person but my Maker sent me here for a reason. Sometimes, it is to do great things according to the capacity He gives each one.

The “why” questions

Things happen for a reason. Why does my former employer hate me? I found out now, it is kind of a domino effect. Experts say over and over again, that the way we look at ourselves has some effect on the way people look at us. Others treat us the way we treat ourselves. I do not hate myself, to be clear. But I admit, I am a nervous duckling.

Way back when I started that job, I was scared to lead. I prayed it would be fine with me to stay in the background as a support and not be the center of the spotlight. True enough, no matter how qualified I was, the other one was chosen as the manager and me as the assistant. Since my degree fits much with the responsibilities at hand, my former employer expected much from me than her chosen head. The blame was always on me every time our team failed to come up with certain expectations. Absurd, isn’t it? This scenario goes on and on until I decided to quit.

Buried ghosts

Not only that, I found out I am still carrying within me the failures and insecurities of the past.

When I was nine years old my mother and her friend had a talk in my presence. Her friend shared how good her kids were. My mother retorted, “good for you, my kids are all good for nothing.” That remark left a big scar in my self-esteem. Though I understand where my mother came from.

Her mother died when she was five years old. She and her two brothers were left with a drunkard father and an “evil” stepmother. Thus, the three of them grew up with lashes and scorn. Notwithstanding the fact that they were literally poor.

She struggled to take care of her own family and loved us the way a mother should. But the ghosts of her past appear from time to time making us experience the bitter taste of it.

Then when I was in the last year of my secondary school, I messed myself up by mental block in a declamation contest. The experience embarrassed me much. How I wished the two hundred plus audience would instantly forget my name. This might be the reason I dreaded to be in the spotlight, and be a center of attention once again.

The correct mindset

With my first-hand experience as the subject of my own case study, proper mindset plays a big role in job success or in whatever undertaking one sets himself to. Because I started with the wrong mindset, I ended up in a wrong working environment. This is the reason why few people excel and most fail. Whether we like it or not, this is how the world is designed. There is a saving grace, though—learning the WAYS of a proper mindset.

Wrong form of prayer

Dr. Joseph Murphy said that prayers could have negative effects if done incorrectly. When we pray we should see to it that we already have in mind the result of what we pray for. This is called nowadays as visualization.

This is where I am guilty of. The fact is, I am a prayerful person. Only that I prayed out of fear. When I pray, what I had in mind was the worst case scenario that could happen—thus I prayed that it would never happen. Sadly, that worst case scenario is already happening in my mind. Consequently, my prayers seldom were answered.

Focus is the key

What do I do now? FOCUS. Focus on what could happen rightly. Focus on my desired results. Focus on my bright future. Focus on becoming the somebody I was designed to be.

The wrongs of the past are not meant to destroy me nor anybody. If we just ask the right questions: why do things happen the way they did or why did I do what I’ve done, then we are onto the path of making the most of our dear life.

Each of us has a unique purpose. If we find and fulfill that very purpose, then we are no longer the nobody who wandered aimlessly into this world. We become the somebody who managed to do it despite everything we have been through. Be that somebody. I’m so glad to be on my way.

pwnezel

Daily Prompt: translate

Faith In The Power of Why


For years I have struggled to follow my dreams. I dream a little each day. Pray a little each day for that dream. Until I was determined enough to pursue that dream head on.

However, things just do not happen as expected. When you believe everything is in your hands, that’s the time when you are tested the most. And suddenly you realize, you are facing the mouth of uncertainty that’s ready to eat you any chance it gets.

That is actually what happened to me. I believe I could benefit from a separation pay that I would receive the moment I resign from my twelve years employment in the finance industry. What took place was the opposite. My kicked out employer denied to me the benefit she gave unto others who resigned ahead of me. This is something I need to settle with the labor agency. To add insult to injury, my laptop broke. Urgh!

With that at hand I begin to feel uncertain as of the moment. Fear is slowly numbing my being. I begin to ask if what I did was right; if I was designed to be here. The what ifs start to surface too. What if I could not find a job in months? What if my husband would no longer receive any projects? So many worst situations loomed before my face. To counter this uncertainty I began to ask for any vacant positions available in our government agencies. My friend gave me the idea too. I told myself it’s just for the meantime. 

But then, how many meantime should I beat before I should reach my final destination? I have already endured a stressful six years staying in the meantime. This time there should never be any meantime. And no second options to turn to. There should never be any second option, or else I would focus my full attention there instead of on my goals.

The best thing that I must do is to focus on my “why.” Why do I brought myself here. Is it just for a selfish reason, or for a nobler one? My first reason is to earn money, yes. I need money to support my children, to send them to school, to live a decent life, and to help others. I live in a third world country where employees earn a meager income despite the degree they possess. And I want to rise above that. I don’t want to stay in shambles just to live.

My second “why” is the very purpose why I am alive. This is answering to what life called me for. This why is what gives meaning and purpose for my life. This is heeding to what my conscience is directing me to do.

As I stand here I realized I am not called to fight life’s battles too soon. I am called to go through a series of trainings like a soldier before a battle. But no, I am not to fight like the soldiers of King Saul. I am called to fight like the Biblical David. I am called to stay in solitude to tend a flock of sheep, to create my own song and drive away foxes and lions that would feed from my sheep. Small and unarmed I may be in the day of battle, still I am able to defeat the biggest giant there is. Because my training would focus on the strength of mind and spirit.

With these realizations, I choose to stay here and not find any “meantime” activities no matter how promising they would seem. For I know, even if I follow the path to another meantime activity, my heart would still yearn to be here with my whole body and soul. My why is so strong it would never leave me even for a second.

So I would stay here. Achieve my goals one step at a time; with the firm belief that He who brought me here would never leave me to wither and die.

Much love,

Nezel

I Learned A Major Life Lesson Today

I Learned A Major Life Lesson Today

Today I learned a major life lesson with the sting of embarrassment. As what I have shared to you in my previous posts, one of my major goals for this year is to focus on following my career path online. In fact, January thirty-first would be my last working day in the corporate world. Yes, I already submitted my resignation letter and it had been officially approved.

I posted such major decision in my life in my FB account. Many friends reacted and asked why. I had been in that employment stint for twelve years. Since the path I choose to follow is yet to be started, I did not give any clear answer to the inquirers as to why did I resign. I only said I want to move on to something better. However, some members of our closely-knit family got worried and thought something unlikely might have happened which prompted me with the resignation.

Last night my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law asked me for the reason behind that decision. Out of a deep discontent that I felt in my workplace, I gave them answers that should not have been shared with them. There might be a spark of truth in what I said but it sounded as if the incompetencies of my co-workers were what prompted me to get out of the place—the usual victim story. And that message was not so healthy. My conscience filtered my answer. It then asked me back why do I focus my answer on the negative instead of focusing it on the positive? If a more positive life is what I am after, then I must start now. I am still in this process, so I just have to forgive myself. I must learn once again that I am also not perfect. And even if people aren’t perfect they also made me smile in their own unique ways at some point.

Chasing dreams is subjective. Sometimes it is awakened by the discomfort that someone feels around him, which is really true for me. But it does not mean someone has to get out because he is surrounded by an inept tribe. It might appear to be like that on the surface. Yet, deep down the person is not just meant to be there any longer because his strengths do not fit really well in that place.

As health psychologist Kelly McGonigal said, it is much helpful to focus on chasing the dreams than on the discomfort of the situation. This way stress is lessened. And she is very right. Lesson learned fully well!

pwnezel

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