“Know thyself,” Socrates said. Luckily I do. As far as I can remember, I am what I already am ever since, wherever I am. I have taken several personality tests, DISC included. One thing is common, I belong to the meditative and intuitive types – the people who talk less and think more.
I used to question myself why do certain people dislike me when I even treat them nicely. The answer is simple – sometimes it’s not me, it’s them; not because they are bad but they just do not quite understand me. At first I took it personally. I kept on asking what must I do to be liked and accepted by many? I envy those bubbly type, those life of the party. But I could not also imagine myself acting the way they do. It’s not just me at all. Later, when I had fully soaked up into my deeper self I slowly understood everything. The mistakes I have done in the past concerning my attitudes, fears and performances were mostly due to who I am and not because I was born a failure. I was not that good at everything because I am good at some things that others have the difficulty doing. The catch was, I just have to accept who I am because that is the best of me. Others may not accept me for what I am, but I just have to accept that fact and allow others to be themselves and respect their preferences.
One personality test results say, women of my personality type are especially rare, forming just 0.8% of the population. The word rare flattered me. I don’t know if it’s true. But honestly, I have not found a single friend who has the same interests and likes as me in my forty-one years of existence. It may sound embarrassing, but I do not have that best of buddy whom I can share every single thought I have. I am not selective. Perhaps, I just could not connect that easily with someone. I am married, yes. I go well with my husband. But he could not delve deep into my thoughts and musings no matter how much I try to bring him there. He just accepts me as I am which I am so thankful for.
Have you in your life feel that you are swimming in a deep ocean, so deep no one is there except you because others are swimming on the surface? That is what I feel. I feel I am swimming deep, deep down there, alone. However, in this place I am not lonely. I am at peace. Whether I am alone or not does not matter. I am just me.
When I was perhaps, five years old I loved to look beyond the trees and the clouds and wondered what was beyond there. At night I looked into the dark skies and wondered what’s beyond there. In my teens I asked, ‘what’s beyond the universe? What’s beyond God?’ One time I asked, ‘what if there’s nothing beyond earthly life?’ That was when I stopped asking those questions because nothingness seemed to hold me breathless.
This is the expanse of my pensive mind. This is the reason why other people find me uninteresting; because an expensive dress for one does not matter a thing for me. I may appreciate but I don’t crave.
One time someone commented how boring my life is. Oh, if he just know how beautiful my mind lives. I am not perfect; but my mind opens me to see perfect things that sometimes no one seems to see. My boss considered me passive. If she just know how active my inner world is. It is perhaps, the pensive mind operates in the beyond earth existence, timeless and boundless. If the extroverts are the breathe of life, we are the depth of it.
I am not saying other personality types are less interesting. We are all interesting. We are all created with gifts. It is these gifts that we should lay on the table before we should bid goodbye to this amazing world. No matter what type we are, as long as we accept what we are, and live our best self regardless of people’s expectations, we contribute beauty to our amazing planet. Take that from the pensive mind.
Have a purposeful day!
~Nezel
Purposive Writer 