To Quit or Not To Quit?

to quit or not to quit

When you have unfinished business, God will give you the strength to hold on.

One common scenario in a corporate world: the employer calls, looks for a specific employee and when she answers the phone, the employer bombards her with filthy words without caring about the listener’s emotions. Her anger is poured out in the open. Period. She does not care what the other person has to say, nor dig into the issue.

Okay. That was me. Not the employer but the employee. For eleven years, that was a common scenario. I have a choice I know. But third world country culture is far different from the more advanced nations. Finding a new job is a pain in the neck due to few job offerings and massive number of applicants.

After enduring such scenario for eleven years, I came to the point of giving up. I already suffered burn out and had experienced symptoms of stress. I have to walk out, I told myself. However, is it sensible to pack your things up just because you are angry and hurting? Of course not, right? I weighed much the options before me. My wounded self was in a dilemma of choosing between self-preservation and martyrdom. Actually, it just appeared to be martyrdom for the length of years I suffered. I am no martyr. I had good plans for my future. I was already decided to take back my life and live the best life I could have.  It was just that I was not yet ready to fly because my wings had not yet developed fully. The time was still unripe to do so. The situation only called for more patience, more forgiveness and much strength. But let me tell you, at that point I was at my edge. I was at the brink of my sufferings. I felt I would lose my sensibility if I would go on with a situation like that. I seemed to stand before a precipice. If I would not retreat, one more step forward and I would fall.

But then, do you believe in miracles? Or inner voice? Or the wiser self? Or whatever is that which God placed inside our bodies to rescue us when our poor self is dying within? That voice spoke to me as if it were my own. A scene from a television series suddenly flashed before my mind, wherein the heroine was at her lowest and with much grit told herself: this is not going to destroy me; I would not break. Those were the same words the voice told me. My more conscious self repeated it: No one and nothing could ever destroy me nor break me. I felt a surge of strength building up inside of me, with much faith that I would get by quite alright.

The path to being “alright” was long and winding. But if I were to go on with life, I have to traverse it even if I have to eat all my pride along the way. There is an adage that goes, “If you can’t change the situation, change yourself.” I was left with no choice than changing myself, and making it strong like a tree planted by streams of water that sends out its roots to the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

A year has gone by and I get on quite alright. I am still in the same situation, surrounded by the same people and faced with the same problems. However, I was no longer the same person I used to be. I am a lot happier, a lot better and a lot tranquil.

Had I quit that dreadful moment, I don’t know what would become of me now. I can only say, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Had I quit that moment, I would walk away a defeated person bringing along with me lots of pain and anger. For now, I have this inner purpose: to make the witnesses around me wonder why some lights in me still spark despite what I have been through. Sweet revenge, is it not?

So before you finally say I quit, take a deep breath, listen to yourself; for it alone knows what is best for you.

May you have a purposeful day!

~Nezel

In response to WP Daily Prompts: dilemma/unfinished.

 

 

The Rough Road

Free

I never ever like to talk about panic. All because it brings not so good memories. It brings me to the days where I totally live my life being panicky. All those frustrations that resulted to decades of suffering from depression. However, that was time gone by; and experiences that had been lived and learned.

My panicky behavior started when I was sixteen years old. Before that I live the life of a fearful duckling. Just mention my name and my body’s alarm will immediately ring and would give me the choice between fight or flight.

Anyways, this was how it happened. Since I was one of the top students in our class my teacher chose me to be the class’ representative for the declamation contest. It was the foundation anniversary of our school. As is custom of every school, contest like this is common. That time there was no internet yet. No YouTube videos to serve as an example or explained how something is done. Everybody was not that expressive too. My teacher gave me my piece but did not work with me in the practice. I just practiced inside my room alone. Since I was not the expressive type, it did not occur to me to ask someone or even my teacher to practice with me and gave feedback on how I was doing.

When the contest arrived I was very nervous. I got even nervous before that. Just the thought of it, doubled my heartbeat. So then I climbed up the stage when my name was called. The stares of the audience alarmed me. I started to utter the words nervously. After uttering the two lines, my mind went blank. I groped for words. To my dismay I did not found any. The auditorium was then filled with deafening silence. That silence seemed to last for eternity. Then there was murmuring from the audience. The murmuring grew and I felt it was going to eat me until I surrendered myself in defeat.  I dragged myself and embarrassingly returned the microphone to the emcee who happened to be my class adviser. She took off the microphone which was tied around my neck in irritation. I was an embarrassment to her.

Then and there everybody seemed to look at me as a loser. Nobody tried to tell me, hey it was okay. My world crumbled. Honestly, at that point I wished the earth would crack and eat me up. How I wished the people would not remember my face or even may forget my name.

Consequently, I lost my self-confidence. I became irritable and hot-tempered. A very nervous person to add. Worst, depression started to engulf my whole being.

For years, I have not won a goal at once. I started something and when the going gets rough I gave up. Then start all over again the next time. I stopped from my studies and entered in the nunnery. Because of depression I went out eventually. I was advised by the sisters to seek professional help. I did not. I carried my depression alone. My family even did not understand why I behaved the way I did and sometimes judged my poor character.

Through all those experiences there was one who never gave up on me. He was called God. Ever since I was a child I was a bit of prayerful. I prayed and prayed that God would take away the cross I was carrying. He led me to read certain books and met inspiring personalities through my reading. But my healing did not happen instantly. It took decades before I could finally say, I was healed. I did not even realized I was healed. I just woke up one day and realized life was beautiful and too precious to live it in fear.

My bout with panic, depression and everything made me fearless and bold. Fear still stares me in the face but my body is strong enough not to surrender to its whims. Acceptance and letting go were keys to my healing. However, without my God my life might have ended years ago; for the thought of giving up on life many times occurred to me.

Now I could say, I am a little braver and no longer the nervous duckling I used to be. That panicky little thing. In the grand scale of life I still have not found my right place. But finding a home in myself is the greatest achievement I could be proud of. All because my God did not let go of me; did not leave me floating in the air; loved me for everything that I am.

My message to “panic”? Your shadow may look gigantic; but at the voice of my enormous God you disappear quickly like bubbles in the air.

Life is beautiful. May we live it fully!

~Nezel

In response to WP Daily Prompt: panic.

Fly Like A Butterfly

 

So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

1 Corinthians 15:42-44

passionate

If there is one thing I am passionate about, it is loving everything beautiful in life. I am passionate with self-development, spiritual development and everything about nature.

We only have a limited time in this world. Thus, while I still can, I want to share everything beautiful in this blog.

Just recently, after a severe el niño in our place and the rain came, butterflies came hovering in our yards. Most of them I could not take a shot because of their constant movement from flower to flower. But they are all gorgeous and a site to behold. My passion for them grows each day as I see different colors and sizes. Some of them were in pairs chasing one after the other. They were like kids playing joyfully.

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In Christianity, the butterfly has long been a symbol of the resurrection of Christ as well as the resurrection of believers. The caterpillar disappears into a cocoon, which is like the tomb Christ lay in after the crucifixion, appearing dead. Later, it emerges from “death,” having transformed into something more beautiful and powerful than it was.

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In daily life, we also get to transform if we wish to. Some days when we experience defeat and failures, we retreat into our comfort zones. When we are ready, we get back again to the track and start all over again with new zest and determination. This is how life goes until we finally emerge as a fully transformed individual like a butterfly able to soar in lightness and in joy.

May one day we soar in flying colors like a butterfly. Have a purposeful day!

~Nezel

In response to WP Daily Prompt: passionate.

 

 

Just Begin

just begin

How to bounce back? Generate a new zing!

My mind was still bobbling in front of my keyboard. For the first time in months I have stopped posting for four days in a row. The flu left me with a weak mind and body. Then came this “zing” prompt. I felt the fate had mocked me. I did not have it, and then I was prompted to write something about it? I was left with no choice but wrote about that zing that gone awry. I was just so glad for my online friends who cared to comment, specifically Sir Ngobesing Romanus and Vanessina. I just have a glimpse of my zing! That’s good news for my little weary soul.

What am I to do now? Follow the zing! My other online friend Petra Omoregie Caroline invited me to join the FB group 30 Day Blogging Challenge. In there the member has to accept the challenge of blogging for 30 days. I know I have been blogging longer than that on a daily basis, so that might be less of a challenge for me. But, the fact that I’d be on a different platform, with different audience is the challenging thing. And that’s where a new zing enters.

Actually, this post is going to be my first entry. It would be proper to thank the founder of the group Sarah Arrow for accepting me. Thank you Sarah! How generous it is of you to help us be seen in the group.

Sarah further gave suggestions on what to write on our post through our welcome email. Among the thirty options, I have not chosen one yet. It still this wobbling mind. But, I do not have to dwell on that yet. What matters most is, I have started. Yes, it is zing enough for me. In every undertaking, the only primary requirement we need is the will to start. By starting, I have defeated my lazy, fearful self who loves to hide in my comfort zone. One post done, twenty-nine more to go. Thanks to this zing. (winks *_^)

Have a zing-ful day!

~Nezel

(WP Daily Prompt: zing)

 

“Stumpified”

stump-purposivewriter

In the Rio Olympics, I have watched how athletes perform the individual sports of their choice. One sport I watched was the javelin throw. I watched in awe as the different athletes threw in what they’ve got. However, no matter the time and effort spent for the preparation, lapses happen. One athlete poised to start, determined to get the goal. She ran as fast in order to throw the javelin the farthest. But midway the momentum started to fade. She slowed, stopped and threw her arms in surrender. She lost her calculation. She lost her chance of gold.

At this point, I felt I was that athlete. I had the goal. I knew the strategy. Only that I just lost my momentum. I felt I was “stumpified.” That situation where you felt you were like a tree, ready to bear fruit that would be consumed by the people who hungered for it. But then a cruel woodcutter came and cut the tree down, leaving only a two-foot stump. I was that stump.

The best thing to do now is to start from the beginning, to where the momentum usually is born. A live stump still is able to grow shoots. Those shoots still could produce fruit in the right time. And the good thing with life is that, there is no such thing as too late. I can always start whenever I am ready. There are just obstacles I have to hurdle. Things may happen not according to how I want them to be, yet still I am able to make them happen in the rightest time. In God’s time.

Have a purposeful day!

~Nezel

(WP Daily prompt: stump)

 

Hitting the Mark

determination-purpose-purposivewriter

Perfection happens when we stop striving to be perfect.

Small goals are achievable; like the games of archery and dart. When you hit the bulls eye, there is perfection. But hitting the target requires much training, discipline and determination. It is not achieved by mere desire alone.

Life is a series of hit and miss. We miss a thousand times before we are able to hit that perfect mark just for once.

But how then can we make perfect this game called life? How to perfectly hit the target? Life is no simple game. It is not a competition wherein you win and the other one loses. In life every situation must be a win-win one if possible. Everybody wins and no one should lose. In short everybody must be a winner. And before you could win, you must help someone win first.

It may seem difficult. It really is. But, Jesus has an answer to all our questions and doubts. Mohammad has an answer. Buddha has an answer. Every saint and wise man has an answer. And these are the people who never strive for perfection. What they strive for, are to teach, to lead people onto the right path and help them become winners in their chosen fields. It is their examples we must emulate, their words we need to hear and put into practice. It is from their mouths we find the techniques to living a ‘perfect’ life that someday we may be able to utter the words of St. Paul, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith…. ”

May someday we may reach this perfection.

Have a purposeful day!

(WP Daily Prompt: perfection)