For years I have struggled to follow my dreams. I dream a little each day. Pray a little each day for that dream. Until I was determined enough to pursue that dream head on.
However, things just do not happen as expected. When you believe everything is in your hands, that’s the time when you are tested the most. And suddenly you realize, you are facing the mouth of uncertainty that’s ready to eat you any chance it gets.
That is actually what happened to me. I believe I could benefit from a separation pay that I would receive the moment I resign from my twelve years employment in the finance industry. What took place was the opposite. My kicked out employer denied to me the benefit she gave unto others who resigned ahead of me. This is something I need to settle with the labor agency. To add insult to injury, my laptop broke. Urgh!
With that at hand I begin to feel uncertain as of the moment. Fear is slowly numbing my being. I begin to ask if what I did was right; if I was designed to be here. The what ifs start to surface too. What if I could not find a job in months? What if my husband would no longer receive any projects? So many worst situations loomed before my face. To counter this uncertainty I began to ask for any vacant positions available in our government agencies. My friend gave me the idea too. I told myself it’s just for the meantime.
But then, how many meantime should I beat before I should reach my final destination? I have already endured a stressful six years staying in the meantime. This time there should never be any meantime. And no second options to turn to. There should never be any second option, or else I would focus my full attention there instead of on my goals.
The best thing that I must do is to focus on my “why.” Why do I brought myself here. Is it just for a selfish reason, or for a nobler one? My first reason is to earn money, yes. I need money to support my children, to send them to school, to live a decent life, and to help others. I live in a third world country where employees earn a meager income despite the degree they possess. And I want to rise above that. I don’t want to stay in shambles just to live.
My second “why” is the very purpose why I am alive. This is answering to what life called me for. This why is what gives meaning and purpose for my life. This is heeding to what my conscience is directing me to do.
As I stand here I realized I am not called to fight life’s battles too soon. I am called to go through a series of trainings like a soldier before a battle. But no, I am not to fight like the soldiers of King Saul. I am called to fight like the Biblical David. I am called to stay in solitude to tend a flock of sheep, to create my own song and drive away foxes and lions that would feed from my sheep. Small and unarmed I may be in the day of battle, still I am able to defeat the biggest giant there is. Because my training would focus on the strength of mind and spirit.
With these realizations, I choose to stay here and not find any “meantime” activities no matter how promising they would seem. For I know, even if I follow the path to another meantime activity, my heart would still yearn to be here with my whole body and soul. My why is so strong it would never leave me even for a second.
So I would stay here. Achieve my goals one step at a time; with the firm belief that He who brought me here would never leave me to wither and die.
Much love,
Nezel
Purposive Writer 