I may be smiling on the surface but deep within my heart is bleeding. This is a scenario I had been into for many a million times throughout my lifetime. A scenario I have come to master due to its constancy in occurrence. I had been in the company of good people. And I had been in the company of the not so good ones. Sadly, the not so good ones outnumbered the good ones. A reality that says these people are the representation of the broken souls caged on a neatly furnished surface: from hair to clothes to footwear. They look so neat and perfect. But when they open their mouths, the foul and withering spirit inside fails to hide. From these type of people I receive insults, blunt comments and condescending sneers. My best defense is just to smile as if everything is okay. I have not been trained earlier to receive fire with fire. I was trained to keep quite and shut up. I stated my reasons only to myself. And felt good every time my dear self says: yeah you are right.
I know, the best thing to do is to point to someone that his/her actions are wrong. In short, I have to defend myself calmly. But how can I when that someone does not also want to listen to explanations? When that someone is not open to the possibility that he/she is wrong? Many times I did this instinctively. Only that my good intentions are trashed. The result? A much heated argument; a much deadlier monster comes out. So I learned to shut up and smile if I still could manage to do so.
I found out, in my journey to freedom I do not need anyone to clap their hands in approval. I do not need to be perfect. If others find me imperfect, and my imperfections do not hurt them, then I am well on my way. In my experience (aside from the formation house where I once was) only three or four people managed to point at my mistakes and asked me why I did such and such things. Most of them, directly insulted me, underestimated me and many other things that could deflate someone’s ego.
Anyway, that was the past. I am here in this imperfect, yet beautiful world of ours not to solve someone’s changing moods. I may carry these people if I could. I may love them if I could. With a heart that bleeds no more. Along the way, through the ups and downs of my journey, I have come to learn to smile on the surface as well as smile deep within too. My days are numbered, as much as I can I would not want to waste any second of it on things that only complicate life. And the greatest lesson I learned is when you smile inside-out, the world almost always smiles back at you. I still encounter some broken souls. It is my fervent prayer then that may I be healed fully, that my healing would be a healing for others too.
May you have a purposeful day!